PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT LOVE

Didi still look at me, I know that his fell is same with me. So confused with we are intercourse. I knew, far from my heart I already faillin’ love with him when I sight him at first time.

Vigorous, calm, not much took and responsible and the most important he have a far knowledge. I’m sure that, cause after we know each other, he always seeing me, ask where’s andwhat I do. Do I already eat or not, have my prayer and then he ask me to going prayer soon and delivery me to every place that I want for my luch. But if he’s very busy, he’ll bring me some food or just call delivery food ordering.

Not just that, Didi always give me support when I think bad and almost give up in my difficult situation of life.

Didi, male from Solo that I knew at chat room. I always fell funniest if I remember when at first we’ve chatt, with pseudonym, he introduction himself duck_oslo and behind the name’s I think Didi’s coming from orland or the other country in USA. But, I just can be surprise and shock and the last I smile much after he told me that he come’s and born in Solo.

Oh my GOD ! he is my neighbourhood. It’s so close from my address. We stay at the same city. Solo, one’s city in central java that I was brn and growth. Off course, it’ll be make me shock after knews.

He’s the man that every day I seen at the goald that I was go to my office. S I think we stay at neir boarding house without I know that man is Didi my chatting friend.

If we meet at the goald, he just looking mefor a few and give me a little smile.just a little, but I really like it. It’s fell cool and kindness.

After I knew him and we close each other, have been to share, and understanding eanch other.every day as special for me. ( hmm… I think to him too ) I already have a live alarm that will warning me if come the time to eat, to rest, to quit, to wake up ang g to prayer’s comin’. And actually, I’m so reliable and delicacy that.

Didi have all of my criteria to be my boy friend. He tall but still ideal with me, he have strong arm that I hope he can protected me from everything that to threaten me. He have a nice smile like I dream ( some time I think that’s smile is like the princess have), and the most important he’s so kindness, have a sense humor, a nicey job and wide knowledge.

"Na, come on you not answer my question." Didi said with hopeless.

I stay on quoite, " Didi if you know what hapend with my minds."

"Na, please you must said some thing. I know you love me. We love each other. "Believe me, I’ll make you happy." He look at me clearly. His eyes is so sharp like eagle eyes.

I view over the window, the cloud walking slowly at the blue sky. It’s so beautifull. When I still young, I was dream, the cloud is appereance for sme animal like a lamb, unicorn, butterfly or just one’s shadow of His creature. It’s could be flower, trees or spinach ( ones kind vegetable that I don’t like and hate to eat ). Or it’s could be shadow of car that running on the road with smoke over the hole.

Didi touch my hair that fall in my forehad and hold my cheek. We are so nearly, actually at this moment I’ve no confidence with my pisic lookly. My nose is flat ( not more ), my hair is so wave like the fried nodle and my forehad is so far. Even that, I have 2,5 minus on my glasses in my face.

"Di, you know I really glad. That I have some body so kindness like you. Here, in Jakarta that I was be alone, no family, no body’s take care off me, you be here. In my side, be my some one, companies me to always hold on and make my worldis colouring and clearly with your tough voice. Didi, I really like you and always hope that will be forever."

I quite for a second, "Di… perhaps…"

Didi not give me more opportunity to continue my word. He jump and embracing me. I skip back.

"Hei… what you do Didi ?" I appeal to Didi. Didi hold his doing and look at me with innocent face. He look like white angel that come down from the heaven.

"Oups…. I’m sorry Na, but you said that you like me so I think what the false ?" He hands up and look so confused.

Ough… I don’t know what must I say to him. I just don’t want if his heart is hurt or couse my words I ‘ll lossing Didi. I afraid he’ll gone from my side and leave me alone like before I meet him. After I know him, I don’t know why in my opinion he’s already mine even already be my part of my soul.

If I walk on the way, sudenly I think where’s he at same moment. Are he already walk on the same way with me ? if ya, where’s he ? he stand before me or behind me ?

If I have my lunch at my work rest, I always asking to my self, are he already have his lunch ? If ya, where’s he have that lunch time and whose tha pertner ? Oh God that question is not enough to stop at there. It’ll continued with more question, man or women ? old or young lady ? oh Mom, I’m so jealousy.

"Na, wake up ! why you so muse ?" Didi shaky his hand in front of my face. I wink my eyes.

"I’m sorry…" I said hurried.

"So, you not give me explain yet. Please tell me. Na, why I could understand about you if you not explain what your fell to me ? Please Na… said." Didi request me back.

I beat my own cheek. Oh my… what must I say. I said in my own heart.

Didi pull up my hand and hold it fixed. I quit at a few moment to inhale.

"Di…if you asking me about my fell to you, do I love you or not, so I’ll said. Yes, I do..!"

Didi face was be glitter, he look so happines when hear my words.

"But…" I continuing my words, "I have big problem that you or some body else know even all people arround me."

Didi face was change. He stopping at quite. I fell sorry. Oh.. I must already do the big mistake.

Sudenlly Didi take my shoulder both.

"Trust me Na, you can tell me what hapend in you. I wouldn’t be hate you and that wouldn’t change my fell of you." Didi said so sure.

"Really ?" I asking not believed.

"Ya… why I must change ? on you I find all that I want for my ladies. Your heart is beautifull, I adorer you, I already find my lover in you."

When I hear Didi’s word, I fell falling down. Ough… if he knows what the real hapend in me at now. Some thing is moving, growth to life slowly, oughs, God ! give me more ____________ to explained clearly to him.

My tear is almost rolling down at my face. I try to keep on stenght.

"Di.. I confess..far from my heart. I fell same off you. I already falling in love when we meet at the first time. Far day before we know each other. In you I find, my boyfriend criteria, I almost have a dream that you’ll be my husband…but… I already have my destiny. I cann’t merried all in my life."

I quit for few moment, so I was continued, " It’s so imposible for me to have merried couse my sickness. I’ll give my painfull to my my child later, if I have a child, I affraid with my hereditery sickness."

The tear already drop rolling down at my face. I fell offresed out of my breath. It’s like a big mountain is putt on my chest, make me fell so heaviness.

"What ?" Didi ask un believed me.

I nod my head.

"That’s the truth. Di, I have a bad destiny, I born with difference organ and it’ll be hereditery." I said with sorrow.

Didi look at me with dispointment.

"Are you sure. I mean you know excactly ?"

I close my eyes try to hold my self.

"Off course, I’m is ones from much patient of Dr Mikail, the most greatest specialize doktor of hamatologi in that hospital."

I try say with seriously face. I don’t want at this important moment Didi thinking that I just playing and have big lie about my realy condition. I don’t want he have opinion that my story is fiction and not true that I creature to avoid from him.

"Na, hear me, Allah never make decease without the medicine. I’m sure your sickness is have medicine but we have find yet. So just be confidence Na, you must believe if you’ll be fine and you have the cure."

I shake my head weakly.

"Yas Di, I just can prayer and maka confidence my self, but for medicine ? nothing. Talasemian just need fresh blood to continue the live. It’s hereditery decease. I need blood tranfution periodical that must I do some time all on my life."

I continued, "Actually to past on tweenty years old it’s grace for me, much from talasemian not have much time to growing up, enjoyed their life cause the decease."

Didi look thinking at the few moment. "Na, I relly love you. I don’t care about your decease."

"Di, it’s all right if you love me but please don’t took about love at now, I want keep the fell like before. Di, I want everything just like before, no took about love but we keep our love in our self.. I hope you can understand that."

Didi give me his arm.

"Yes Na, you already mine, in here. No took about love."

We take our hand each other.




Jakarta, 16 June 2007